I stumbled on Loveawake dating site blog and have been fascinated with it the past few days. It has given me a fresh perspective and helped me feel better about myself–and more confused. Lately I’ve been thinking about my college dating experiences. I’m 28 years old now and I’ve noticed a very odd phenomenon lately. I’m getting noticed (and approached) by women that never would’ve given me the time of day when I was in college. Successful, accomplished women! One in particular is incredibly hot, but they all are attractive. I am baffled by this. You may laugh, but this is making me extremely frustrated and stressed out. Reading your blog has offered some explanations. I’m an analytical guy, so I’ve been very impressed with the social science you weave into your writing, and the research about how 28 is the ideal male age for women helped to explain what might be going on. But I still can’t figure out what’s going on, with me or with them. I feel emotions like resentment and suspicion, as well as desire, but I’m not at all flattered. I find myself unable to respond in any way, positively or negatively. I feel paralyzed. Sometimes I think I’m just offended. These are the very same women who rejected me time and again in college. I mean, I know they’re not the same but…they’re the same. I wanted relationships (I tried casual sex…EPIC FAIL), they didn’t want me. My one serious college girlfriend cheated on me with her professor. I was really, really hurt, felt like a chump, etc. To put it in a HUS context, the [college girls] preferred alpha males (I’m definitely a beta, introverted, overly intense, with a baby face.) Or maybe they were reluctant to get involved during college because they wanted to be free to move on after graduation and not be tied down. The thing is, I don’t think I’ve changed all that much. Frankly, I couldn’t change if I wanted to, even if it meant getting these women. I may have come out of my shell a little, but I honestly don’t think it’s me that’s different. It’s them, and I don’t think I like the difference. I think I’m the consolation prize. I think they still want the alphas but they’ve given up. Time to settle. I’m offended. I don’t trust these women. Am I too proud? Getting my revenge? Guarded from past humiliations? Or have I just grown up and learned from my experiences?

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Let’s set aside the bad feelings you’re experiencing for the moment and examine this situation strategically. Are you maximizing opportunities for your own happiness, or falling victim to self-limiting beliefs? I have heard from many readers over the years who suddenly found that they were getting a lot more interest from the opposite sex. It’s not unusual for men to feel exactly the way you do – like a consolation prize. Interestingly, women are usually very pleased when they see a jump in male interest. They don’t harbor a grudge, but enjoy their newfound popularity. I suspect it’s because women know how important visual cues are to men. A substantial portion of the American economy depends on female efforts to improve our appearance so as to be more attractive to men. When this works, we’re generally delighted with the results. Our stock has risen, and we have more opportunities. Also common is the ugly duckling effect. Many people don’t really grow into their looks for a while, and as you’ve noted, this can take longer for men. You specify that you are getting “noticed and approached” more at 28 than you were in college. Let’s unpack what that implies:

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These are the very same women who rejected me time and again in college. I mean, I know they’re not the same but…they’re the same. …I honestly don’t think it’s me that’s different. It’s them, and I don’t think I like the difference. You resent the change in women’s perception of your physical attractiveness, but have you considered that you are actually better looking now? You may say you haven’t changed much, but every male changes very significantly between the ages of 18 and 28. Why would you expect the same results as before, even though your appearance has improved? Or conversely, why do you believe that you should have been noticed and approached when you were less attractive than you are now? You describe yourself as having a “baby face.” It’s very likely that you came across as more boyish than manly before your testosterone-fueled physical development was complete. No doubt the girls at college rewarded the males who were early developers and exhibited masculine qualities then. Why take that personally?

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You describe yourself as analytical, introverted and “overly intense.” I’m not exactly sure what this means, but women generally find excess intensity daunting or even frightening. An emotional state of heightened intensity may signal passion but also anger or even rage. Most women will recoil from this kind of behavior. In college, where you would have been more of a known quantity among girls than you are among strangers today, this may well have been what prevented you from securing or sustaining the relationship you wanted. The women who notice and approach you today are signaling a desire to get to know you better. Whether they decide you are relationship material depends largely on you.

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Let’s apply Occam’s Razor. Is it more likely that high-achieving women approach you because they find you attractive, or because they have given up all hope of finding an attractive mate who can provide for them financially? If women your own age or a bit younger find you attractive enough to initiate conversation, it makes no sense to assume they’ve given up and are looking to settle, especially if they’re financially successful already. You are the age of the typical educated bride. That seems awfully early for women to “give up” and find some chump they’re not attracted to, don’t you think? The very same men who perpetrate the “beta bux” theory also complain that women who have “hit the wall” have an unrealistic sense of their own market value. Which is it? Let’s take a look at the research. Both men and women who fear remaining single settle in two key areas: 1. “They settled in the area of personality, choosing someone who might come off as more of a jerk or uncaring as a partner.” 2. “People who were more afraid of being single were more willing to date someone unattractive.” Clearly, women find you attractive if they’re approaching you. And they have no idea initially whether you’re an uncaring partner or not. So the beta bux theory doesn’t make much sense. As I see it, you are facing four potential outcomes every time a woman shows interest in you. Only one outcome gets you what you want. Clearly, you need a strategy to filter for genuine attraction. If you can forgive women for noticing that you’re handsome, why not filter for intent, the way women do?

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• Is she trying to get a one-night stand, or does she seem more interested in arranging a date? • Does she make conversation in an earnest attempt to get to know you better, or are her advances primarily physical? • Is she sober and friendly at a coffee shop or drunk and sloppy at the bar?

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• Does she express and demonstrate desire for you? • Does she make you feel sexy? • Does she show signs of becoming emotionally invested?

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• Does she behave as if she expects you to spend money on her? • Does she share expenses? • Does she lack ambition and have a history of depending on others financially? • Has she expressed a desire to have a baby and stop working asap?

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You get the idea. So what if the woman you want to date wouldn’t have dated you in high school. She probably had crooked teeth and no breasts in high school, and you wouldn’t have wanted to date her either. We all change over time as we mature. No guys liked me in high school – in fact, one boy I had a crush on told my best friend he was really worried that I liked him. Very few of us get to adulthood without some major disappointment and rejection. You’re one of the lucky ones. Enjoy your newfound bump in value, and don’t waste your time blaming the market for your rising stock price. Or – you could continue as you are and remain alone.

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